Sh*t My Patients Say

Patient: I poop once a week and that works for me.

Me: That’s unhealthy.  You need to go everyday.  I recommend you get some more flax in your diet.  I also recommend eating some roughage like apples.

Patient:  Flax everyday?  And I don’t like apples – they hurt my teeth.

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Me: So…what do you have planned for the rest of the day?

Patient: Going to the gym.  I’ve gained about 60 pounds over the last year.  Stopped going to the gym because my wife and I started trying for a baby.

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Me: How are you feeling?

Patient: Nothing happened.  My back still hurts.

Me: Okay.  So how’s the pain in the hip?

Patients: Oh, that’s gone.

Me: And the hot flashes?

Patients: That’s a lot better.

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Patient: I wish I was skinny like you.

Me: Come run sprints with me this week.

Patient: (Nervous laughter.)

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Patient: I started with a new exercise class this week after not exercising for a long time.

Me: That’s great!

Patient: She was really good.  I didn’t feel anything the next day.  No muscle soreness or anything.

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