Sh*t My Patients Say
Patient: I poop once a week and that works for me.
Me: That’s unhealthy. You need to go everyday. I recommend you get some more flax in your diet. I also recommend eating some roughage like apples.
Patient: Flax everyday? And I don’t like apples – they hurt my teeth.
Me: So…what do you have planned for the rest of the day?
Patient: Going to the gym. I’ve gained about 60 pounds over the last year. Stopped going to the gym because my wife and I started trying for a baby.
Me: How are you feeling?
Patient: Nothing happened. My back still hurts.
Me: Okay. So how’s the pain in the hip?
Patients: Oh, that’s gone.
Me: And the hot flashes?
Patients: That’s a lot better.
Patient: I wish I was skinny like you.
Me: Come run sprints with me this week.
Patient: (Nervous laughter.)
Patient: I started with a new exercise class this week after not exercising for a long time.
Me: That’s great!
Patient: She was really good. I didn’t feel anything the next day. No muscle soreness or anything.